Trigger Pulled

Trigger warning: Guns, Adoption, Suicidal thoughts/ideations, abuse, rape, eating disorders (ED) 

The first time I pulled the trigger on a gun was terrifying. Exhilarating, for sure but utterly terrifying. The force behind the weapon worked its way throughout my body, reverberating deep within my bones. Shock. I wasn’t prepared, and I don’t think there was anything I could have done to prepare myself for how my body would react. I needed to experience the feeling in my body to begin to break it down and understand it. I also felt that I need to gain more knowledge of the firearm itself. With knowledge came understanding. With understanding came the ability to feel the feeling in my body without the terror. For the most part anyway. There will always be a bit of healthy fear and respect for the power the trigger holds…

Being able to properly identify my triggers and understand their effects on my body has been paramount to my healing journey. 

Let’s pull the trigger… 

In the past, triggers have been as simple as words that were said to me, or even around me, pictures, sounds, or smells. Triggers could have been a picture on social media. These triggers could cause episodes of binge eating or not eating at all. They could cause massive guilt spirals resulting in suicidal thoughts and ideations. And for clarity, suicidal thoughts and ideations do not always equate to suicide attempts.* But that has also been a place I have been brought to on more than one occasion... but those are tales for a different day. 

The point. Triggers can be anything for anyone. Something specific to the individual and their story that affects them in a negative way. 

How I learned to live in the grey {space} of my triggers...

• Awareness

I began to pay attention to when I was triggered. What was happening before and after? I used a notebook for this. A tool I highly recommend on your own journey. This was important to understanding when I was most vulnerable and more likely to be triggered.

• Boundaries

I started recognizing and setting boundaries - We'll discuss this here. Like, A LOT. This idea of setting boundaries, what happened when I had none, and what it looks like as I navigate learning to set them for myself. But for triggers... Through the years I have learned to set boundaries as safeguards. I find it often happens subconsciously, especially when the material is "heavy" for me. However, it only works as a boundary if I identify it as such. 

• Identify

Let’s take a quick dip into triggering material… each of these topics will be the highlights of finding grey {space} as we explore together. For now, we’re pulling the trigger on the big ones. 

{Adoption material} 

Almost all adoption material has caused some type of trigger at some point in my life. 

-It took me three years to finish "The Primal Wound". THREE YEARS. I will cover this book in depth later, but I want to focus on the subconscious boundary that was set. I didn’t go into the book thinking it would be as difficult to get through as it was. My body told me when I had had enough. I listened to the tightness in my chest when I would read something that hit too close.  I would feel my heart rate begin to rise, thickness in my throat forming. Even rage, throwing the book down violently. All of these actions were telling my body telling me that I needed a boundary and to take some me-time. 

 Learn to listen to yourself. Trust yourself and what you need.

-Over the next several years as I began to face more of my adoption-related trauma, I became better equipped at understanding triggers and placing boundaries. Colin in Black and White, a Netflix show chronicling the life of a fellow bi-racial Black/White TRA, Colin Kaepernick was set to premiere during a time in my life when I was going through a lot of huge transitions and stressors. 

No matter how much I wanted to watch, I wasn't in a strong enough place where I wouldn't have been triggered by topics covered in the show. So, I set a boundary and waited to watch. 

Remember, setting boundaries is an act of self-love. Love yourself more! 

By the way, I stand with Kaep. Period. 

{Abuse and Rape} 

The words used to be the biggest trigger for me. I couldn't hear them. Or speak them without shutting down. They were paralyzing. They were limiting. They were isolating. 

While I write this, the tears well up in my eyes, and my hands shake. I am still triggered. And Dear Ones, that’s ok. I want to be fully transparent and authentic here. Always. It is the goal of this space. It is still difficult for me to work through them sometimes. I am creating space for that truth. 

If you still can’t read these words, I’m holding space for you. 

If you are ready to shout your story to their world, I’m holding space for you.  

This is me pushing forward, expanding my grey space. Being brave enough to share that simply writing these words induces a trigger response within me. My power comes from my vulnerability and acknowledgment. 

 I encourage you, dear ones, to expand your space today, even if it feels like a small gesture, inch by inch it will add up. 

{Mirrors, Scales, and Photographs}

Oh my!

One wrong number, awkward pose, or view from these big three (In no reference to This is Us…and don’t worry we’ll be sure to cover that show here too!) can cause spirals of binging and purging, seasons of complete food avoidance, excessive workout or workout avoidance and at their worst suicidal thoughts and ideations.

Noticing a pattern yet?

Triggers can lead to intense reactions. This is why having someone help you identify them and work through them is key. 

My biggest help in expanding my knowledge of what happens after the trigger is pulled is to find the right support to help you understand what happens before it is pulled. 

THERAPY AND PERSONAL COACHES. 

THERAPY AND PERSONAL COACHES. 

Haven’t found one that fits yet? Go grab a journal, commit to pulling the trigger of digging deeper and let’s start the work now, together. 

Leaving space, 

xo, m.